Eyes on, hands off

Your Children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

I have sent this poem by Khalil Gibran to many of my friends whenever they welcome their children. How many of us remember the deeper philosophy of parenthood? In the past 3 years, I realized that being a father to my daughter is the most wonderful thing ever happened to me. It is a privilege to see how a human life evolves, from a completely helpless survivalist to, wise, observant, keen, living in the moment, pure source of joy.

I have wondered occasionally, what is the role of a parent? In my childhood I heard people talking about we should teach the child this and that. Push him to study his ass off to memorize some bullshit and throw it up in the answer paper and get a job in government so that he can show off when people come to attest their 5th-grade mark list. I am a product of that mindset. As a scientist, I agree with the statement that imagination is more important than knowledge because knowledge is limited and imagination is infinite. Imagination is the stepping stone for creativity. The more a parent get involved in children's life the less imaginative and creative they become. As someone said the best thing a parent can do is to stop interfering in children's life. The principle of "Eyes on, hands off". In reality, I found that there is so much I have to learn from my 3-year-old than anything I can teach her, such as how to be joyful, be present and truly caring. In my opinion, all toddlers are Budhas, the enlightened being. I think enlightenment is nothing but regaining the wisdom of childhood. 

In my view the only few things a parent needs to do are (i) be present when the child needs you (as much a life permits) (ii) Show them the basic skills that are needed to take care of oneself: such as cooking and cleaning, self-respect and respecting the freedom of other people by acting as a living example, not through lecture (iii) know their friends and keep them away from bad company (iv) Be open, honest and approachable, which can accomplished by minimizing advice and doing more (v) learn to love unconditionally.

The last two points are important. I learned that children, mostly, do not do what you ask them to do, but they do what you do. If you want them to be joyful and respect others, just implement in your own life. A one hour lecture on the topic is not going to get you anywhere. Most of us believe falsely that we do certain things because of our love for children. I am not denying the fact that most parents show a certain amount of unconditional love, but most of our actions are based on conditions. Most of us do things for children because we have our own hidden agenda. We love ourselves first. I want her to behave like this, then I feel happy. I want to be recognized as a good parent, therefore, I do that. Before proclaiming that, "hey I am not like that", stop and start meditating. You will realize how much of our decisions and actions are driven by deep-rooted hidden agendas, beyond our normal perception. 

It is a living experience for me. I love it and therefore will come back to this topic whenever new revelations happen. For the time being, I will leave with this beautiful poem by Gibran:

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.